Written by Michelle M. Stewart, principal
Many exasperated parents come to my office and tell me that they don’t know what else they can do to change the behavior of their middle school age child. They share with me the depths of the deprivation they have imposed upon their child. Most tell me that they have taken everything away from their prodigy. They no longer have a TV in their room. They are not allowed to have friends over. They cannot leave their room - and the cruelest cut of all – their cell phone has been confiscated! And still, these parents lament, it has no effect. Their child is still engaging in unacceptable behaviors at home and at school.
At this point, I quietly suggest that if one wishes to change an adolescent’s behaviors, it is time to not take away something but to give something. I do not mean bribery as in “Clean your room and I’ll pay for the movies.” This is at best a short term solution and in the end can cause a child to not do anything unless they are paid for it. What I am talking about is tapping into the adolescent’s natural energy level and desire to do for others.
Adolescence is an intense time of turning inward. Children between the ages of 11 and 15 are constantly seeking the approval of their peers. Parents, teachers and other concerned adults in their lives become far less important than their friends. This is the developmental stage of their lives that is ruled by hormones and a desperate need to fit in. Left alone, this can become a stage that is not easily passed through. As the important adults in their lives, it is up to us to be patient as we help guide them to look more outwardly.
Adolescents need opportunities to do for others. When a student’s behavior is unacceptable, sometimes it is because they have become so focused inward that they do not see how their actions are affecting those around them. This is when you start giving something to them instead of taking things away. Provide opportunities for them to do for others outside of the family. Have them volunteer at the food pantry or a local animal shelter. Arrange for them to spend a Saturday afternoon visiting the elderly at a nursing home. Have them mow the neighbor’s lawn, wash someone’s car or just spend some time cleaning up the trash in a public park. Better yet, model this by getting the whole family involved. The important thing is not what they do, but that they do it to be helpful and most importantly, FOR FREE! The child must see that their actions benefit others without a monetary benefit to themselves. What started out as a consequence for poor choices turns into that warm feeling that only comes from a selfless act. In this way, the adolescent begins to see that they are part of a bigger world and they can meaningfully contribute to it. They begin to see how their actions can make a difference. In the end, not only does the child grow and develop, but the world is a slightly better place for everyone.
There is a Native American saying, “When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live such a life that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice.”
Don’t fail to help your child live such a life.